Dean Martin Monologues
I've had a very special request...but I'm gonna sing anyhow.
This is a little number I had the good fortune of recording back in the fifties and it sold about 2 million records…and if you don't believe me you come on over to my house will go down to the cellar and I'll show them to you…there all down there…and this from that wonderful picture Let's get out of the wheat fields Mabel we're goin' against the grain.
Last night I dreamt I ate a fifteen pound marshmallow and this morning I woke up and couldn't find my pillow. My stomach's been upset all day. I had a bowl of bourbon and crackers before coming on and they ain't layin' right.
Right now I'm supposed to do a little dance but my legs aren't up to it. No, all jokin' aside you see I went out west a few years ago for Arthritis and I finally got it last night. I was hangin' around the bar and I picked up a couple of other things...My wife said you put them back boy. Speaking of my wife, she has a lovely mother. Yea, I love her . I worship the ground that she's got comin' to her that's how I love her. My Mother in Law is an amazing lady. She is 81 years old and she still doesn't need glasses...She drinks straight from the bottle....
Well I guess you all want to know why I drink well I drink because I'm insecure. No I mean it, I must drink in order to believe I'm Dean Martin…without booze I'm Eddie Fisher. Technically there's a chemical lacking in my basal metabolism. I was born with an arterial deficiency. No, I mean it my structure craves and needs alcohol. I'm okay my body's a drunk. That's what's wrong. Mentally I'm a nun. In my set I'm known as sister Dino. You didn't know that did you? I'll drink to that. But I been cutting back on my smokin'. I only have three cigarettes a day…there 8 feet long, but I cut down. You know that sign for Forest Lawn Cemetery? They're changing that to Marlboro country. But I'm gonna do some songs and if you care to join me on the second verse you can just forget it....
Last night it was cold in my hotel room. I tell you the room was freezing. Yea, they kept the butter in my room. I'm sharing a double with a side of beef that's how cold it was. Well, I woke up this morning there was snow on my bed. I didn't mind that. They sent in some big dog with a bottle around here neck. She didn't leave till about 8:30. But tonight I'm gonna get some sleep. I'm gonna take about aspirins 14 Anacin, 4 sleepin' pills and I'm gonna leave some notes…I got nothing to read in the morning anyhow. But last night I slept straight through from 5 to 5:30 a whole half hour no pills or nothing ..just laid there I didn't even muss up the bed...I was in the hallway that why I didn't muss up the bed. Ever try to leave a wake up call in the hallway? There's no way. Yea, I'm unlucky I tell ya. You know I bet on Germany in both world wars. If I was ever in Sak's Fifth Avenue and the lights went out…I'd be in the piano department. I guarantee if they ever cut a women in half I'd get the part that eats...…Last night there was beautiful blonde she was bangin' at my door for forty-five minutes…but I wouldn't let her out.
One time I took my wife to Paris and on the third day she said Dean I haven't been to the Luv yet. I said well dear it must be the water...
Nobody was drivin' officer we were all in the back seat. As the fly said as he was walking over the mirror, that's one way of looking at it...
I like to offer a toast:
I'll drink to that…..I feel sorry for people who don't drink cause when they get up in the morning that's as good as they're gonna feel all day. In the words of Joe E. Lewis who said, "You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holdin' on." Now that's my kind of drinker. One morning Joe was over at my house in my den swimming, and I saw he was mixing a peculiar drink. So looked up at him and said, "Hey Joe! What you drinkin'?" Then he looked up at me and said, "It's Carrot juice and whisky." And I said, "Why?" and he said, "I may get drunk, but I can see straight." Yes sir, It's all there in my new book, "The Power of Positive Drinking."
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